Strangers
by Min Daae
Summary: Written for Yuletide 2009. It would be better for everyone if they were nothing to each other. But that's never going to happen.


It is undeniably tedious to examine oneself in search of one's motives. You may take my word for it and not attempt it on yourself, as the process is rarely fruitful and never helpful. I have tried it, and no matter how many times I may determine that I hurt Mildmay because he is a reflection of what I used to be that Malkar beat out of me, or that I hurt Mildmay because I don't know how to do anything else to show my love, it always comes down to the fact that I hurt Mildmay because I can.

It is a despicable thing, yes. There is no getting away from that. That most often, I hurt Mildmay because I have power over him, and when I am aching somewhere deep within all I can do is give it to someone else. And that is what it is to be me.

And yet he is still here.

I have been drinking, perhaps a little too much, perhaps far too little. At any rate, I am still awake, sitting by the fire and watching the flames glint off my rings, when he knocks on the door and pokes his head in, saying "Felix?" I can feel myself smirk.

There is no point in hating oneself for what one is, is there?

"Ah. The prodigal kept-thief." I heard Mildmay sigh, and knew it was one of his _oh-fuck-Felix-is-in-a-mood _sighs. "Come. Sit. Have a glass of wine."

"No thanks."

"Now, now. Don't go slinking into the bedrooms. I shouldn't want you to feel shunned. Sit down, at least." He hesitated, and I flashed him one of my best smiles. "Please."

Mildmay sat down, looking uncomfortable. He rubbed his leg. "You just been here all day?"

"No," I said, lightly. "Have you been – ah – visiting Gideon all day?" I saw him wince, knowing he knew why I drew out the visiting into three very distinct and slightly salacious syllables, _viiis-iiit-iiing._

"Nah. Was talking to – a friend."

"I didn't know you had friends in the Mirador. Other than Tabby, and I don't know that she counts as a – er – friend, by most definitions."

"Shows you don't know everything," said Mildmay, a little more tartly than I was used to, and I was almost shocked. I shook it off quickly.

"Fascinating, Mildmay. I thought that I did. Tell me more about myself." I couldn't help being pleased at the embarrassed flush that showed in his face. God, but I was cruel sometimes. I could not help it, though. It was only my nature.

"Felix, you don't got to be so-"

"Perverse?" I said, nastily. Mildmay shifted, uncomfortably.

"—nasty all the time. Ain't gonna win you friends."

"In case you had not noticed, Mildmay, my friends seem to have, by now, realized that I am not winning myself any friends. All the same, they are still here. How do you answer that? I suppose it must simply be my charm and good looks." It was easy to make that light little trill of laughter, utterly false and lighter than air. "All the same…thank you for your touching concern, little brother. Will I ever get a chance to meet these mysterious friends and embarrass you for them as you so frequently embarrass me to mine?"

Mildmay went as red as a beet and I felt a brief sense of sick, petty satisfaction. "Felix, you been drinking again," he started to ask, but I waved my hand airily and cut him off.

"Don't try to make that my excuse. You know just as well as I that this is just my charming own self. I need no _help _to mock you. You make it so terribly easy." I smiled at him. "You could leave." I could have made him leave. I knew that I would step too far, one of these days, and it's not that I don't care. Not that at all. It is only that silence is not an option.

Mildmay shook his head. "I'm gonna sleep. G'night."

"If I didn't know better I'd think you were avoiding me." I stood, leaning on the chair just a little for balance. "You will leave me here, all alone?"

I'd expected guilt. I was wrong again. His shoulders went rigid and he only half turned, face like stone. "Yeah. Ain't no use talking to you when you're like this."

I felt a little flutter, like panic. He would leave me, he would go away and leave me by myself, and then what would I do, I could _not _be alone with myself and my thoughts- I stifled it and felt my smile straining to stay. "Like what, Mildmay? This is how I _am. _You don't seem to object under normal circumstances…"

"Kethe's cock. Just – don't, Felix, okay?"

I set my glass down, ignoring the way my hand shook. I felt lightheaded, like the wine had suddenly gone to my head, and stepped away from the chair, rested my hands lightly on his shoulders. "I am," I murmured, "Doing nothing out of the ordinary." I felt him go rigid. I could almost hear his teeth click together.

"Felix."

"Mmm?" I lowered my head, humming near his ear, letting my body be close. I could kiss him, taste the salty skin of his neck, make him want me. i_I will not rape you/i, _I had promised. What was a promise to a man like me?

"Felix. Stop." I could feel his body humming with tension. I held very still, waiting, almost, eyes closed. _Turn around, _I willed him. _Strike me. Leave a bruise across my face so I can feel something._

Neither of us moved. He didn't, and I couldn't. I pulled back. "Go to sleep."

He didn't turn to look at me. "…Felix?"

I shook my head, not caring that he couldn't see it, and went to the cabinet to open another bottle of wine. If I didn't there would only be restless screaming dreams, and I was sick of the biting the pillows so no one would hear me.

"Felix, Gideon," he started to say, and I shook my head hard, nearly feeling my shoulders seize.

"Do not. Talk to me about Gideon. There is nothing to say. He will come back or he will not. It is not my decision and it is not yours."

I saw Mildmay wince out of the corner of my eye. _Good job, Felix. Isn't that what you wanted? _I felt sick, momentarily, and shook it off. What did it matter? Why did I even care? "I know that, Felix, but-"

"Go to bed." I knew he would tell me not to drink, or not to be an ass, or something. I didn't want to hear it. Don't ask me to do what I cannot. It is only my nature. The wine splashed redly into the fresh glass.

"I ain't-"

"Go to bed," I said, and put a spiteful note in my voice. "It isn't as though you could possibly have something _useful _to say." And I saw his shoulders hunch up and he looked down and left, because of course I was only telling him what he already knew.

It would be easier if we hated each other. Then I would only have to kick him once. But he always comes back, and no matter what I tell myself it happens again. I learned all my lessons well. Particularly the ones involving pain.

I watched Mildmay go and sat down again, letting my shoulders go limp and loose. I drank. What else could I do? Alcohol, at least, was a better vice than sex. And far better than cruelty.

If I were still conscious in a few hours, though, I might indulge the others.

**

I woke up, though only barely, very late in the night. The moon was shining through my open window and someone was taking a glass from my hand, pulling a blanket over my shoulders. I curled up under it, reflexively, still half asleep. "Gideon?" I asked.

"S'me. Maybe some night you'll get to your bed." Mildmay. I blinked, feeling strange and fuzzy, but I could see him shake his head. "Night, Felix."

"'Night," I said, without really thinking, and then he was gone again.

I will never understand him, and I will always take him for granted. If I were a better person I would find a way to drive him off where I cannot hurt him. If I were a better person I would wound him enough to keep him from coming back.

I am not selfless enough for that.


End file.
